NOTE: This is the same letter that I posted before with a few very minor changes.

Dear Mr. Z. Z. Top:

Recently you asked something of me that gave me pause. However, after careful consideration and a few nights’ worth of “sleeping on it,” I obliged. I gave you all of my lovin’.

But then you solicited that I additionally provide to you all of my hugs and kisses. I’m afraid that this is where I must draw the line, Mr. Top. Despite your repeated requests, nay, demands, I absolutely refuse to give you a monopoly on such hot commodities. If I were to give you all of my lovin’ and all of my hugs and kisses, too, as you’ve asked, what do you propose that I give to my many female admirers who often request these same things from me? I am a frugal man and do not like to trouble myself with the purchasing of silly material gifts. And why should I, I wonder, when I have a veritable endless supply of hugs and kisses at my disposal (barring any physical maladies, of course)? It just does not make sound financial sense, you see.

Finally, I would like to point out that as unhappy as you may be with my decision, you have no one but yourself to blame. Earlier this year you advised me to dress well, as any woman would flock to, and subsequently find herself driven to the point of insanity by, a man wearing such fine attire. Prior to receiving this advice, I was down on my luck in the romance department and likely would have given you everything you’ve requested gladly and without hesitation. I simply had no use for such apparent frivolities. Now, though, I find myself dispensing them with increasing frequency.

I hope that this will not bring ruin to our relationship, as I derive great pleasure from your musings on the female anatomy, inexpensive protective eyewear, and a number of other topics. Please feel free to call on me in the future with any additional, although preferably less-invasive, requests that you may have.

Cordially yours,
DTS