You were in love once, but then the one you thought you loved stole your heart and the cocaine you were smuggling together. It was going to be your last run before you settled down. It was Valentine’s Day.

Now you spend every February 14 sitting in your basement. You can’t stand to see all they happy couples together. You wish that there was some way to make them as unhappy as you are. This year is going to be different.

That 1984 VW Rabbit that’s been rotting out in the front yard will be perfect. Call up your best friend and have him or her pick up the rest of the supplies. You both hate Valentine’s Day.

When the couples come out of the local multiplex smiling and holding hands, give them a minute to look at your recently-painted (very recently, in fact) blood-red Rabbit and to look into the eyes of two people who very much hate Valentine’s Day before you unleash the torrent of near-boiling nacho cheese. As the delicious doom washes over them, turn off the car and let it sit for a few minutes. This car may have made a great cheese cannon of doom, but it’s going to make a lousy getaway car.